Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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