I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
