I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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