i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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