I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
