I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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