Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
