Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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