Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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