hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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