i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
