I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
