I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i need some magic done to my vagina
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
