Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
