I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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