I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
