There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
