good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
false alarm, still single
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
