Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
