I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
