He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
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Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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