you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I supernannyed him into submission
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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