I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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