I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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