you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
