i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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