we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
