look no pants
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
