The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
