dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
