and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
