She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize