I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
