I wish I could punch you in the face.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
