I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
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there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
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She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
we're so committed to being not committed
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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