I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
