I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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