today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
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Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
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He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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