I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...