I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.