Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
