You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
