I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
