sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
