my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
