i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
