Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
