Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
