i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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