I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
