i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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