first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
