I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
