oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i've created a new STD.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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