Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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