My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
