Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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