Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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