She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The beer is more important than you right now.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
