...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
