i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
