He disabled his match.com account in front of me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
